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  • Dr. Tanginika Cuascud

Some people are just lousy lovers

Updated: Dec 27, 2019

Listening to and reading people’s complaints about their partners regarding their sex skills, I have started to ask myself if there are people who are just not equipped with sex skills and if that is the case, can they get better at sex?

Just like some people are sportsy, artsy, financially savvy, good at math, have great voices, can dance, etc., it seems like some people are naturally born with sexual pizzazz and je ne sais quoi and can effortlessly turn someone inside out with their sex skills.

For others, sex is an awkward venture, a chore, something that they might enjoy but that for some reason they are not good at performing it or does not come natural to them. In my practice I have heard women complain of their men’s lack of sexual charm: men who are terrible at giving oral sex or don’t like doing it (but love receiving it!), who don’t know how to touch a vulva and definitely not good at stimulating a clitoris, squeeze boobs as if though women all women liked that, are bad kissers, climax too quickly or take too long to ejaculate, are mechanical at the act of sex and have no sex appeal at all, among many other complaints.

Men also have their list of disappointments with women: that they don’t like to “give head”, that they don’t swallow, that they don’t like sex or always find an excuse not to have it.

In secret, women dread their husbands’ touch and rather pretend they are asleep or fake a headache (or worse, fake an orgasm!) in order to avoid or shorten sex with their partners.

Many women complain that their partners are just not good at it and they would like something more.

When asked why they don’t tell their male partners they all claim that men’s egos are too fragile, they don’t accept criticism well and they don’t want to hurt their feelings.

For men, the dissatisfaction causes them to avoid sex also or do it as a form of quick release after begging for it endlessly before their wives give in.

In both cases, recurrence to “extracurricular activities” may be used to offset the frustration. If you are among the ones without sex skills, know: 1.       Sex skills can be learned. Educate yourself! 2.       Don’t be too sensitive and learn to accept to be guided by your partner. 3.       Communicate with honesty and sincerity. 4.       Practice makes perfect. 5.       If you want your partner to be a great lover, you must be one too. Certainly, knowing one’s body and open and honest communication are key to solve some of these issues. However, in spite of the best intentions, it seems as if though some people are just not good at sex. Not to say they cannot get better, but sex is not their forté. But with persistence, patience, using your words, and lots of trial and error you can become the best lover you can be.


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